SoNic Cage
by Urto
Summary: Sonic the Hedgehog and Nicolas Cage have to go on a deadly mission together to like, stop this werewolf. There's gonna be a whole bunch of action and stuff so look out!
1. Chapter 1: The Werewolf Strikes

"But Nic," said Sonic, his blue hedgehog fur still a mess from drunken movements on the shag carpet, "how can we possibly hope to defeat the werewolf? It's much bigger and stronger than each of us."

"Separately, yes," replied Nicolas Cage, a condescending smirk crowning his flattened jaw, "but you've yet to consider the full situation, Sonic."

"How so, Nic?" asked Sonic.

"According to Newton's third law of biomolecular fusion, the size of the output of a fusion attack will be ((X+Y)/2)*(1.50+Z), where X and Y are the two means of input for the fusion-in this case the people-and Z is one-tenth of the current force of gravity in Newtons."

"So what you're saying is..."

"Yes," finished Nic. "We will become equal to 2.48 times the average of our current sizes. Simply put, we will become a hulking behemoth, easily a match for even the likes of this werewolf."

"Then what are we waiting for?!" Sonic exclaimed as they took the position.

"Fuuu-sss-iiioooonnn... HAH!" the two said in unison. In an instant, SoNic Cage was born. SoNic Cage felt power coursing through every muscle in his body. The intensity was unparalleled, as if reality itself was merely a catalyst for which to activate his hurricane of energy.

He was sure, more than anything else, that this would be sufficient to take on the werewolf, for werewolves only gained half hit points starting at level 15 in order to balance them out for post-20 adventurers.

Just then, Tails walked in.

"Sonic," he began, "I... WOAH! You're not Sonic!"

"That's right, punk. I'm SoNic. There's a huge difference. And I'm about to go stop the werewolf."

"Well, that's great!" Tails said, the glee in his voice unmistakable, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Yeah, there is! I'm gonna need a lot of rings! GOLDEN rings! Gold rings, gold rings, gold rings! GOLD RINGS! I NEED GOLD RINGS! Gold. Rings. Goldringsgoldringsgoldrings."

"Are you-?" Tails started.

"GOLD RINGS! I! NEED! GOLD! RINGS! LOTS OF GOLD RING GOLD RINGS GOLD RINGS GOLD RINGS!"

Tails started to back up but it what too late. SoNic Cage's massive size permitted him to grab Tails from nearly halfway across the room, causing the fox to be pulled back into a vice-like grip. Soon SoNic was holding Tails up to his face, screaming.

"GOLD RINGS! GOLD RINGS! GOLD RINGS! GOLD RINGS!" he screamed. The tone rose and rose, the vibrations shaking the whole of the house more and more with each repetition of the crazed words. Tails squirmed, but to no avail.

SoNic Cage bit down on the chest of the Tails, his mouth easily covering half of the tiny fox's torso. He tore back, pulling out the heart along with a massive chunk of fleshy meat. Tails survived for but a moment, long enough to know a great spasm of pain that no man ever should as he pondered the meaning of this ultimate betrayal, and then his body was on the floor like a discarded candy wrapper as SoNic Cage feasted on the heart, greedily holding it like a squirrel hording an acorn.

After he gulped down the last of the heart, SoNic Cage looked up, remembering his mission. Using the back of his hand, he wiped away the blood that was liberally pouring down his chin.

"Alright, werewolf," he grunted. "Let's do this."

And with that, he hobbled out the door into the cool night air, knowing only one thing for certain: his mission had only just begun.


	2. Chapter 2: Sir SoNicolas Cage

King Arthur gazed amiably downward at the individual kneeled before him. Light poured in through the stained glass windows along the walkway of the throne room and reflected brilliantly off of Excalibur, clenched tightly in the king's hand. A column of knights lined each end of the carpet in a manner of ceremony meant to celebrate the momentous occasion, but truly, no formality was needed to instill a mood of hope and prosperity on the day.

From the bells ringing off the highest steeples of the chapel to the general clamor of a glowing crowd of citizens awaiting just a room away, there was an unmistakable aura of joy that could only mean one thing: Elzgard-the black knight, traitor to the true king, and attempted usurper of the throne-was dead, putting to rest in all those fears of a potential age where tyranny and evil ruled. Justice had been carried out, and with a hint of poetic beauty, for it was the stranger to the land of Camelot who had done this deed, the man known only as SoNic Cage.

"SoNic Cage," spoke King Arthur loudly so that all in attendance might hear, "you have liberated the good people of Camelot on this day and proved your worth as a hero. For this, we gather here in this hall blessed in the virtues of valor and compassion to bestow upon you a knighthood and the right to have sex with any one of my daughters you choose.

"Beyond this, following the knighting, you may request any one thing of me that you desire, and I will grant it to you should it be within my power as king of Camelot. And now, I knight thee, SIR SoNicolas Cage."

King Arthur raised Excalibur high to knight SoNic Cage, but before the sword could be brought down upon the brave hero's shoulder, Cage reached up and grabbed the blade in a mailed gauntlet, causing the entire crowd to gasp. Looking up, SoNiC Cage smiled and began to speak.

"A request? A REQUEST? I have a request of you! Howzabout this? Howzabout you reveal your true identity to this entire court... ELZGARD!"

A minor murmur immediately erupted in the crowd.

"What jest is this you commit yourself to, SoNic Cage? You returned the three-fingered hand of Elzgard to me yourself. You know him to be deceased."

SoNic Cage laughed, and it was a laugh which bore confidence that could harbor no equal.

"I come from a future where greater evils than you can imagine are committed," he explained. "They are terrible means performed for a worse end, that a dark overlord known only as Eggman may EGGMAN turn all living EGGMAN creatures into robots EGGMAN! Therefore, it occurred to my evil-hardened mind that Elzgard may have removed the fingers of a subordinate so as to mask his own death in the event of an emergency such as this."

"You believe Elzgard still lives, SoNic Cage? But what would compel you to believe it is me?"

"I had my suspicions about Elzgard's demise. But while I was fleeing his fortress, I triggered a trap and fell into a primal nexus, the diabolical portals that the enemy was hoping to use to derive the secrets of the universe.

"I thought myself dead as time stood still. Fourteen mortal lifetimes did I live without aging in this primal nexus before the gods of Camelot undid my stasis and presented to me knowledge and training. For another ten lifetimes, I trained under them before I was presented to the masters of the very gods..."

"The transcendents? Impossible!"

"Or so I thought, too, but my training and knowledge expanded still, and now my progression was along a scale that cannot logically be compared to our mortal perception of time, for now such things were measured with sound. Upon the scream of immortality emitted by the last frozen star under my control, I was referred upwards yet again, to train under the lords of the transcendent... the archons. And then, after them, the sightless soundless council of broken energy. And finally... the Keepers of the Metagates."

"SoNic Cage, what are you saying?"

"I have returned from a journey which defies time, which defies space, which defies matter, reason, and the very essences of life and death. These were all powers that the Keepers feared might fall into the hands of Elzgard if he was left unchecked. And one as well-trained as me could not possibly be fooled by your petty rouse, Elzgard. Where is the real King Arthur?"

The other man did not respond, but simply stared with a calculating look. After a moment, SoNic Cage spoke again.

"I will ask you one more time. Where is the real King Arthur?"

Silence.

"Very well, then," he said. "I did not expect you to talk. I will find him myself, Elzgard, after I have spilled the blood of your black, unfeeling heart!"

SoNic's opponent raised Excalibur to defend himself as all of the guards drew their swords, but it was too late. SoNic had turned into Super SoNic and ended the life of his foe with a well-placed punch to the Adam's apple.

The guards all surrounded SoNic, but the hedgehog-actor raised his hand asking for but a moment to explain himself.

"Let us search this man's belongings, so we may discern his true identity."

The guards, figuring they had him encircled, consented to at least sit through this.

SoNic Cage reached into the pockets of the dead man and pulled out his driver's license, which plainly read "King Malcolm Xavier Arthur" under the name field.

"As you can see," said SoNic, letting the illiterate guards pass the license around, "that license clearly belongs to Elzgard, the great enemy whom we all have struggled against for so long."

The guards nodded their agreement and began to applaud SoNic's heroics once more.

The captain of the guard gave SoNic a reward for his bravery: a 12oz bag of Werther's originals, an educational pamphlet on the importance of spaying or neutering your pet, and one of those rings that makes the wooshing sound when you blow into it.

"It is the least we can do for all of your troubles," said the captain. "But pray tell, SoNic Cage, where is the real King Arthur?"

"In the powerfully spread wings of the American bald eagle, in the smiles of young children aspiring to learn, in the houses of hardworking individuals just trying to make a living to take care of their loved ones, and in the eyes of the elderly as they look upon the generations after them so richly satisfied with their work. In the leaves rustling against a great aged oak, in the clouds parting to let the sun shine through, and in the crops of wheat so diligently tended to by loving farmers all across the country."


	3. Chapter 3: SoNic Meets George Lopez

One day a pretty long time ago, SoNic Cage was walking down the street eating a sandwich and thinking about a really bad looking new movie he wanted to star in. Then he saw a hardware store and remembered that he had to buy a new hammer because he had some nails at home that he had to hammer.

He walked into the hardware store and walked up to the clerk at the counter.

"It's hammer time!" he yelled, but the clerk didn't understand so he kicked SoNic out of the store. SoNic decided to get back at the store by just standing around outside the front of the store even though there was a sign that very clearly read "NO LOITERING" in big red letters. A few minutes later, SoNic got sick of loitering and was about to leave, but then actor/comedian George Lopez got kicked out of the store, too.

"What did they kick you out for?" asked SoNic Cage.

"They said that since I'm a Mexican, whoever hires me will provide the tools, so I don't need to buy any," jested George Lopez, which caused SoNic Cage to laugh very hard. This brand of humor, in which one made fun of their own ethnic background, was exciting and new to SoNic Cage; it struck his funny bone very well.

"I like you," said SoNic Cage. "Do you want to come to my house and play Sega? I have a lot of video games with me in them."

"A white guy inviting me to his house, and it's not so I can build him a patio? Count me in!" exclaimed George Lopez, which made SoNic laugh.

They decided to take George Lopez's car, which was in very poor shape. George Lopez joked that he couldn't afford a better car because he was Mexican, and SoNic Cage let out a hearty laugh at the joke. While they were driving, George Lopez told some jokes about how his wife is always right ("Even when she's wrong!" he would say) and how he doesn't like his mother-in-law. SoNic Cage was practically on the floor.

When they got to SoNic's house, they decided to make lunch before they played video games. SoNic suggested they make SpaghettiO's but George Lopez told a very funny joke about how they should make tacos since he is a Mexican person, and SoNic laughed so hard at the joke that he agreed.

Then they played video games. George Lopez really seemed to like Midway's NBA Jam, but he lost exactly half of the games, which made him sad. He started to cry.

"Cheer up, George Lopez," said SoNic. "You just need to practice and you'll get better."

"No, you don't understand," sobbed George Lopez. "The real reason I'm crying is my dog Lucky ran away this morning and I can't find her. I was looking for her when I ran into you, and playing video games sounded so fun that I totally forgot about looking for Lucky. Now I'll never find her!"

"Well, let's go look for her now!" exclaimed SoNic Cage. "We'll take your car."

But trouble was brewing. George Lopez's car wouldn't start. SoNic Cage got out and looked at the engine.

"I see the problem," said SoNic.

"What's wrong with it?" asked George.

"It doesn't work anymore," replied Sonic. "We'll have to go another way."

So they took SoNic's car instead, but they had to walk to the retirement home where SoNic volunteered on Tuesdays, because that is where he had last parked it. By the time they got to the car, it was dark out.

When SoNic turned on the car, his mix CD of Anti-Flag and AFI started blasting at a very high volume.

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE FOR YOU GOVERNMENT, DIE FOR YOUR GOVERNMENT," they sang along loudly.

"Alright, I love these bands, even though I'm Mexican," said George Lopez. SoNic laughed very loudly at the joke, which put them both in good spirits to find Lucky.

They drove downtown and saw a lady standing on the corner wearing a very revealing fur coat. SoNiC and George Lopez decided that any girl who wore fur must really like animals, and so she may have seen Lucky. They drove up to her and rolled down the windows. She leaned in to talk with them.

"I'm trying to get Lucky," explained George Lopez. "My friend is helping me."

"Well, he took you to the right place," the woman said with a big smile. "I can help you get Lucky, but it'll cost you."

"How much?" asked George Lopez.

"Well," she said, "I guess that all depends on HOW you want to get Lucky."

"As soon as possible!" George said excitedly. "I just want to finish this as soon as possible."

"Well, aren't you eager? Fifty bucks."

"I only have eight dollars. Can't we just call it even? I really want my dog back," said George Lopez.

"Dog? What are you talking about?" the woman asked.

"My dog Lucky," said George Lopez. "What are YOU talking about?"

"N-nothing. Maybe you guys should just go. I don't think your dog is here," the woman said.

They drove off and George Lopez told a joke about how he only didn't have enough money because he was Mexican, which made Sonic laugh. Then he told a joke about how much he is stereotyped, and Sonic laughed even more.

They searched and they searched, but couldn't find Lucky. They drove back home with despair in their hearts, but when they walked in the door, Lucky was sitting on SoNic's couch watching television!

"Lucky!" yelled George Lopez. Lucky barked back. George Lopez gave her a big hug and she licked his face to give him a big doggie kiss.

"That lady must have had a change of heart," said SoNic. "She decided you didn't need to pay her in order for her to help you and dropped Lucky off here at my house."

"That was really nice of her. Let's go thank her," suggested George Lopez.

They drove back to the place where the lady was, and by some strange coincidence she was still standing right there. Except now a big man wearing a fancy white suit was talking to her. They pulled up again and rolled down the window.

"Hey," said George Lopez, "I just wanted to thank you! It was very kind-spirited of you to not make me pay."

The man in the white suit suddenly looked very angry.

"Not making them pay? You been giving it out for free?" he asked in a slightly raised tone of voice.

"No! I swear I didn't!" the woman yelled.

"Yes, she did," said SoNic. "We barely even had to ask her. Anyways, take it easy."

With that, they drove off. As they drove away, SoNic reflected on the events of the day and realized that it was all, in its own strange way, symbolic of the human dilemma. SoNic himself represented the duality of man's emotions, like how one can simultaneously feel love and hate for a single entity. George Lopez was, fittingly enough, the sentient quest for purpose. And the nice lady was, of course, the answer to the inherent debate about whether humans were naturally altruistic or self-serving. On that night, SoNic felt at peace with the universe.

He was in a serene, tranquil state of mind. He never saw the semi-truck coming to sideswipe him and never knew the driver was a hired assassin. He never saw or knew much at all, because the collision sent him into an immediate coma. George Lopez emerged from the crash unscathed and it was his quick application of the Heimlich maneuver that saved Sonic's life after the crash.

Every day, George Lopez and Lucky visited the coma-stricken Sonic in the hospital and told him funny jokes about being Mexican. But SoNic would not wake for six years, and on the day he did, he gained the power to turn anything made of plastic into something made out of wood...


	4. Chapter 4: The Mission Begins

The heat inside the old shack was overwhelming, especially in full service dress, but Colonel Branson ignored it for sake of the mission. It was a run-down little hut, filled with all the niceties one living in the south could hope for, including a singing fish mounted on the wall. He knew that, when he retired, it could never be to a place like this.

The drive here had been worse, and for one brief moment along the way, he had begun to doubt the intelligence handed to him, that the best man he ever had would live out in a place like this. Still, here he was now.

The chair he was sitting in, which didn't match the table, had a finish that didn't let his skin sit comfortably, and so he was convinced the sweat was giving him a rash that would prove to be very painful later. It also didn't permit him to lean back comfortably, and that was no good for his already aching back. Fed up with the situation, he stood. Slowly circling the table, he now tossed occasional glances at the man who had formerly been seated across from him.

The man, who returned glances far less than they were received, took a long, slow drag on his cigarette, removed it from his mouth, and sighed audibly. Another thirty seconds passed in silence before the man, without moving, finally spoke.

"Well," he said slowly, measuring the brevity of each word to pass his lips, "how did you find me?"

The Colonel stopped circling the table, faced away from the man by looking towards the kitchen window over the sink, and placed his palms flat on the counter. He also spoke slowly.

"Cage, you've seen the extent of the technology at the disposal of the Army's secret operations bureau. Did you honestly believe you could get that deep into the job and then become totally untraceable? The fact of the matter, SoNic, is you never really left our sights. But you served your country for 24 years, and who were we to stop you from going and living life in peace?"

"Who are you to come back now?" SoNic snapped. "And don't give me any crap about this being a friendly visit from an old war buddy, Branson. I live three hours from the nearest bit of civilization for a reason. You have no way to claim you were just in the neighborhood. I didn't want to see you people anymore. What's your reason for coming here?"

The Colonel hesitated in answering for just a moment, enough to give Cage the upper hand in the exchange. He wondered if he should use his ace-in-the-hole already, but he decided a flat, truthful question deserves a similar answer in turn.

"I've come to ask a favor of you, Cage. There's something I want you to do. A mission."

SoNic snorted, then took another long drag of his smoke.

"I don't care what it is," he said. "I'm retired. You can find someone else. Hell, you already have someone else. The unit's always got the best guys the country can find."

"You know none of them could ever be as good as you were, SoNic. We need you."

A pause.

"How long has it been?" SoNic asked.

The Colonel reflected, and nearly moaned in misery when he said the answer aloud.

"Eleven years," he said. He knew SoNic had joined the service fresh out of high school at the age of 18. Twenty-four years were spent in servitude, eighteen of which were in the most secret of special forces the military had to offer: The Blood Union. Add another eleven years to those twenty-four, and that would make SoNic...

"Fifty-three, Branson," SoNic said. "I'm fifty-three years old, and you want to walk in here like I even have what it takes to hold a rifle steady anymore."

Was now the time to drop the bomb? Branson swallowed hard, trying to say it, but SoNic Cage only continued.

"I'm done with, Branson. You know I can't go back. Not after those hitmen burned down my home and shot Rhonda down in cold blood. I just... I never..."

SoNic began to cry, and while Branson wanted to say the truth, he simply listened as the grieving man went on.

"I loved her more than any man could hope to love his wife," he wailed. "They wanted me. I was the best of the best, I know. I was a threat to terrorists the world over, but when they got to my house, and I was... was... at the Weekend at Bernie's II Fan Club biweekly meeting, all they found was her. And they shot her down! Why would they do that, Branson! Why? It ruined me.

"Now you want me to go back to that life? You want to just take this tired old bag of bones, drug him up, stick a rifle in his hand, and send him to go kill some threat to the peace of the world? Leave me to my misery!"

It was now or never.

"SoNic Cage," Branson spoke slowly, "the threat to the world that you speak of... the terrorist leader that's threatening the safety of the world... it's Rhonda."

"R-Rhonda? Quit it! Just stop playing with my head! You played with my head for 24 years of my God-forsaken life! Get out!"

"SoNic, this isn't a joke. I didn't choose you for this mission just because of your remarkable skills. Thirteen years ago, your house wasn't burned down by terrorists. It was-"

"NO! STOP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!"

"-a rouse. Rhonda had been a plant from square one. A spy from Russia, though she may even work for a power greater than that. We suspected something at first during the autopsy. Her body was too badly burned and mutilated to identify, so we used dental records, but our top forensic scientists determined with only 85% confidence that it was her.

"She had one job, SoNic: make you love her. She was an expert at manipulation, crafting herself to be everything you wanted, so that when she finally faked her own death, it would destroy you, cause you to quit the service, and afford the United States one of their best agents."

"That's impossible!" SoNic yelled. "She had no background experience to base a match for me off of. She would have had to know a mutual contact, like... like... oh no. Oh, god, no."

"That's right," said Branson. "Knuckles. When you two met behind the dumpster at KFC for routine ether huffing that day, it was no coincidence that he had a new friend he wanted you to meet, nor was it one that you would later fall in love with her. Knuckles is her second-in-command.

"SoNic, listen to me. We don't know her real name. She hasn't revealed it to us. The only thing we know is last week, she managed to make off with the prototype for a new military weapon. You may remember it as the same one you stopped the terrorists from building during your Black Blade operation."

"The Sky Behemoth," SoNic said. "A satellite capable of focusing solar flares powerfully and condensed enough to pierce the atmosphere and destroy a city the size of Manhattan, with a wireless communications signal so highly encrypted it would take every computer in the world longer than the universe will exist to determine the source. When I returned the plans to you at the end of the mission, you told me they would be destroyed."

"I had a little more faith in the system than I should have SoNic. Maybe the president determined it would be a weapon used to hold the peace, or maybe the world is just more selfish of a place than I once thought, but destiny seems to be calling. A weapon you stopped has been stolen by the woman who once claimed to be your wife and the man who once claimed to be your friend, and they're saying that if their demands aren't met... they'll blow up your hometown."

"New Jersey! The Jers is a humble city with simple people. Why would they attack there!" SoNic yelled.

"I don't know, SoNic, but their demands are what's even worse," said Branson gravely. "I'm not allowed to discuss the details with you, but I will say it could threaten the very nature of life on this planet as we know it, should they receive it."

"Even more than the Sky Behemoth?" SoNic asked.

"They think we don't know that their demands, if met, could be so, but yes."

For a moment, no one talked. Branson knew he had SoNic, for this was the hero's one chance to take back everything he lost that he once loved. His wife, his job, and his pride, could all be given closure. Still, Branson knew, this was a time to let SoNic think.

"Alright," said SoNic. "What's the mission objective?"

"Your mission objective, should you choose to take it, SoNic," whispered Colonel Branson, "is to hold me forever, never letting me go. To spend the rest of your life with me and always remind me you love me."

"Is that all?" asked SoNic.

"No. Mission resources are scarce and so you'll be expected to generate additional compassion on site. Thus, your love for me must only grow with time. It's not enough to tell me you like me. You have to love me. And crying because I leave you would leave too many loose ends on this mission. You'd have to die. Finally, we'll be increasing the amount of time this mission will go on for. You can't just love me until the day we die. You must have a love that will last until the very stars die, SoNic."

"This is amateur stuff, Colonel. Surely there's some twist making this mission more difficult than the usual fare. Why else would you have come here?"

Branson sighed.

"Yes, SoNic," he said. "There's a downside to this. Sadly, sometimes I can be self-centered and overly dependent. I'm clingy. When you love me, you're thirty miles behind enemy lines, and there's no way I'm letting you back out. You are, for sake of all government documentation, a POW. But supply drops are negotiable. If you can handle those bad days of mine, I will treat you right. I will wake you up every morning with kisses to the cheek and breakfast in bed. Every afternoon, I'll watch you adoringly as you work out the daily Sudoku puzzle in the newspaper, and every warm summer night, we can gather around the fireplace and watch Christmas specials."

"But what if we don't work out?" SoNic asked.

"Failure is not an option for this mission. Yes, there are great risks involved, and both of our hearts hang on the line. SoNic, I never promised it would be easy, but you're the best, and that's why I need you. Do you accept this mission?"

"I accept."

"Then let's begin."

DING!

"The microwave burritos are done," said SoNic.

The Colonel chuckled lightly.

"I know. Time is just a funny thing like that. It always catches up with us, but it also keeps slipping away."


End file.
